President and CEO
Canadian University Press
Suite 503 - 920 Younge Street
Dear Mr. President,
I have a secret. It's bigger than Watergate. It's bigger than the Bee Gees before all those "Disco Sucks" t-shirts ruined it for rhinestones everywhere. And yes, this secret's even bigger than Chris Farley before he died for late night comedy.
Mr. President, commander of the Canadian University Press, I have found happiness. It hides in isle three and goes by the name of Gorilla Munch .
Let me explain. I'm a student at the University of Victoria. There's a housing shortage and I have yet to find accommodations. Now as you can imagine, not having a home of my own made me feel…well…homeless. To be honest, I slept last night on a friend's front porch. My alarm clock was the #26 bus which rumbled down Fernwood Street at 6:10 am. Lying awake in my sleeping bag this morning I wanted to end it. I wanted to leave the University world of no-vacancy behind.
Searching for comfort, I opened my cooler and grabbed last night's impulse buy—a kid's cereal with cool pictures and two fun yellow words: Gorilla Munch . But when I opened the package my final attempt at optimism seemed lost. The cereal looked like a rip-off of Corn Pops and not at all like the hairy apes depicted on the box.
Disappointed but hungry, I spooned a bite. And that's when it happened, Mr. President. The cereal began to pop inside my mouth like some wild flying circus. The puffed corn used my tongue as a trampoline, launching itself at my gums. After devouring the box, I did a hundred no-arm push ups and felt as strong as a gorilla. Then I ran bare-foot down Fernwood Avenue grunting primate noises, scaring old ladies on the sidewalks just for the hell of it. Gorilla Munch freed me from my housing worries. It was cereal emancipation.
Mr. President, I have been transformed into an animal. A homeless, fun loving animal.
I beg of you sir, go to the nearest Loblaws and after consuming the entire box, do something outrageous. Maybe even hunt the T-Dot for Shawn Desmond. Then after your sugar celebration spread the word. Send out the Canadian University Press News Bulletin exposing the power of Gorilla Munch .
Rich Cole gave up wheaties a long time ago.