It's official. We've been warned. The league has been put
on notice. The secret society of National Football League
executives has sent the Canadian Football League membership
a message courtesy of Marty York at Rogers Sportsnet.ca; "This
kid (Steve Morley) better end up with the Green Bay Packers,
or I guarantee you that the NFL is going to take a long, hard
look at our relationship with the CFL," says the anonymous
Don't check your trousers for precipitation just yet, it
gets worse. "We've given the CFL a lot of our time and
a lot of our money over the years. We don't need headaches
from the CFL," says the same executive.
There is nothing quite like being threatened by another professional
sports affiliation. As much as a full crew of affluent owners
signals a resurgence north of the border, when you can irk
the NFL brass into some anonymous posturing, that's when you
know you are truly back in the big time.
I always enjoyed the HBO Friday Night Fights promotions when
Mike Tyson would erupt into some sort of staged violence to
charge the pay-per-view numbers, so why not fabricate my own?
All this hoopla over a second-year Canadian lineman!? You
go girl! Ding, ding, ding.
"Leeeeets get reeeaaady to libelllll!." It's the
rumble in the tundra. In the left corner with the stars and
stripes trunks and navy trim, the super heavyweight champion
of the world... the National Football League! In the right
corner, in the tasselled Sorrels and the red and white toque,
the challenger... the Canuck Football League! This match is
scheduled for three rounds. Keep the gloves up and obey my
commands at all times. The three knockdown rule is in effect
and you cannot be saved by the bell or large denominations
of US currency.
Harold Lederman: "So George, in what looks to
be a complete mismatch between fighters, let's examine the
tale of the tape."
George Foreman: "Well I think the NFL is just
too big here. They average over sixty-six thousand fans per
game, they have a television contract bigger than Ricky Lake's
rear end, they lent the CFL three million dollars three years
ago, and if that weren't enough, they're peeved the CFL is
disputing this Morley kids option year eligibility. I'm not
sure the northern front can afford to trade blows with them
Harold Lederman: "That does not bode well for
the CFLers George. How did they end up in this fight in the
George Foreman: "I believe the Green Bay Packers
wanted to sign this kid Morley to a three-year deal worth
almost a million-and-a-half dollars. CFL team representatives
said Steve allegedly signed a contract extension with their
team in December, yet speculation is that former executive
Fred Fateri may have filed it in a shoebox with his Gucci
loafers, so it wasn't found until the NFL deal had been completed."
Harold Lederman: "So is there or isn't there
a valid contract? I mean how much grey area are we talking
George Foreman: "As much grey area as a porterhouse
on my grill after seven minutes Harold."
Harold Lederman: "Wow, that's a lot of confusion
Harold Lederman: "Lets see what heavyweight champion
and exiled Canadian Lennox Lewis thinks about the chances
of the home and native land. Lennox?"
Lennox Lewis: "For schizzle. The super league
is one hot toddy, but if you examine the facts the CFL looks
to be a better fighter pound-for-pound."
Harold Lederman: "How's that Lennox?"
Lennox Lewis: "Well the CFL is smaller, you can't
get around that Harold. They get twenty-five thousand a game,
but the NFL has ten times the population to draw from and
only 2.6 times the average fan attendance. So which country,
per capita, really enjoys its football more? The CFL has been
around longer, is the former world champion, has paid back
that loan with interest, and even hands over their players
like fortune cookies."
Harold Lederman: "Wow, sounds like the CFL should
be about as concerned over this dispute as they were with
the War of 1812. Any chance they both come out of this as
Lennox Lewis: "I dunno Harold. If the CFL isn't
careful the NFL may stop taking their players. It may come
down to a split decision."
Doug Brownis a
6'6" Defensive Tackle. Run your ass over.