Every year, about 4000 people are injured by their pillows, andanother 6000 people areinjured by their pajamas.OPINION:
There's nothing worse than a bad case of "pajama burn" for yourgenitals. Make sureyour pajamas are loose fitting, and never share them with strangers thathang out at the foodcourt of your local mall.
FACT: During a pro football game in New York, a giant inflatable lawn mowerbeing used for apromotion fell into the stands and killed a spectator.
OPINION: I can barely fit a small cat under my lawn mower, but imagine thesplatter a footballfan would make.
FACT: A load of pigs in a jumbo jet in 1995 produced so much gas that theyset off the plane'sfire alarm.
OPINION: When a fire alarm goes off during a flight, do they bother callingthe fire department?I suppose that's why there's ladders on fire trucks.
FACT: In 1982, a man in southern California successfully flew up to 16000feet in the air in alawn chair attached to balloons filled with helium.
OPINION: I can't think of a better way to spend an afternoon than relaxingin a lawn chair andcatching fresh pigeons the old fashioned way.
FACT: Smog limits the amount of skin damage from sunlight.
OPINION: You might look healthy, but exposure to too much smog can do crazythings to yourability to see through women's clothing.
FACT: In 1995, a chicken fell into a well on a small farm in Egypt. Sixpeople drowned trying tosave it.
OPINION: You'd risk your life for a chicken too, if you wanted to impress agroup of sexy hens.
FACT: One species of fly can fly faster than a modern passenger jet at morethan 500 miles anhour.
OPINION: Flies may be fast, but they are still to small to ride.
FACT: In the early 1950's, coonskin caps were so popular that the price paidfor raccoon tailsjumped from 25 cents a pound to 8 dollars a pound.
OPINION: Now you'd have to get a store owner pretty drunk before they'd sellyou a pound ofracoon tails for 8 dollars. That's why I grow my own.
FACT: In the 1930's, the Mafia fought turf wars to control miniature golfcourses in New YorkCity.
OPINION: These gangsters were the toughest little midgets to ever hit thestreets of New YorkCity. Thank God for Dick Tracy.
FACT: In 1947, the FDA began investigating bubble gum by testing it onanimals because ofreported health problems caused by chewing it.
OPINION: I used to test all food on my dog before eating it, but we learnedthe hard way thatscented candles were not safe to eat while lit.
FACT: Silly Putty was first called Gooey Gup.
OPINION: There's nothing silly about putty...except when it bounces. That'spretty silly.
FACT: The average Great Dane can live up to 10 years, and the averagePekinese can live up to16 years.
OPINION: I wouldn't sell a Great Dane life insurance no matter how great heclaimed to be. It'snothing personal. I couldn't sell life insurance to anyone. I'm not aqualified life insurancesalesman. And I don't like talking about it, so let's just leave it at that.
FACT: During a company party, a man died of a heart attack while dancing theTwist. Hiswidow received workman's compensation because it was an official companyfunction.
OPINION: It's a little known fact that more people have died listening toChubby Checker thanSlayer, Megadeath, and Hedonistic Machiavellians combined.
FACT: Scientists announced that a human stomach can hold as many as 150goldfish, or about1000 calories worth.
OPINION: If you chew them properly, your stomach could hold more.
FACT: In some parts of the world baked bat is a delicacy.
OPINION: In some parts of the world people never heard of the Moffats. Arethey crazy or arewe?
FACT: In 1940, minor riots broke out at some stores as women rushed to buynylon stockings forthe first time.
OPINION: The first time I bought nylon stockings a riot almost broke out. Inever bought nylonstockings at a prison again.
FACT: A traditional gourmet delicacy in France is cow brain fritters.
OPINION: You could put the name of anything in front of the word fritter,and it wouldautomatically sound like a bad idea.
FACT: In parts of Africa, stewed cat is considered a delicacy.
OPINION: Wait until they try the George Foreman Grill.
FACT: In parts of Asia, chewing betel nut, which turns teeth black, is asign of social status.
OPINION: Where I come from - Cape Breton - wearing a freshly ironed IronMaiden t-shirt anda pair of jeans is a sign of social status.
FACT: In 1979, the world record for snail eating was challenged by a Frenchdiner whoconsumed 72 snails in 3 minutes. He died of snail poisoning.
OPINION: Some might say he died for a good cause, but they'd be lying. Hegot greedy and paidthe price like all those other snail-eating scumbags.
FACT: Only 10 percent of the characters on TV programs are overweight. Morethan 60 percentof the TV audience is overweight.
OPINION: If they stopped showing those programs about famines in Africa,maybe we couldbalance out the fat people on TV ratio.
FACT: A school in Mesopotamia in 2000 BC had rules for caning students.
OPINION: The most important rule for caning students is to teach them thatviolence doesn'tsolve anything. So teachers would randomly beat the shit out of students forno reason.
FACT: Harry Houdini figured out how to escape from straight jackets when hewas only 22 yearsold.
OPINION: That's nothing. I've been escaping from straight jackets ever sincemy Dad startedhome schooling me.